Some days I miss my sixteen-eighteen year old self. She was really a lot of fun! She laughed all the time, she bubbled over with joy and enthusiasm, she sang, she had loads of ambition, she was plenty of self-confidence ...
Oh, wait. She also had days where the only thing that got her through work was thinking about how some day she'd die and leave that stinkin' hardware store forever. She constantly felt ugly and unfinished next to her older sister (who I'm still convinced hasn't made a fashion error since she started dressing herself). She had ambition, sure, but it was all very vague and unplaced ... "Someday I'll be a great writer, but before that magically happens I'm just going to keep working in hardware," is not great ambition.
Do you see where I'm going with this? God is teaching me to accept who I am. Maybe I'll never be that lighthearted, sparkling person again. That's okay. I have more responsibilities now (one of whom is happily babbling to herself in her crib while she's supposed to be sleeping RIGHT NOW). I've experienced more of the world. Betrayal, discouragement, cruelty, perversion, horror, and sadness ... I've seen them all in real life, and had some of them directed toward me. I don't think anyone can listen to her English professor tell her that, despite the fact that being an author is all she's ever wanted to do, all she's known she's going to do, she should probably plan a different career.
On the other hand, nothing quite beats having your other English professor (this one a published author herself) tell you your work is marvelous and that she has rarely seen such a brilliant writer come through her class, and she knows you'll be a famous author someday.
There is no pain like having a child. There is no joy equal to having a child.
A husband can frustrate you more than any other human being on the planet. He can also love you more, and delight you more.
Yes, I've changed. Yes, I still strive for that soul-soaring joy I used to have (Andrea, your recent Lucy story was so poignant for me! and I will review soon). But if it's always going to be a deeper, quieter kind of joy, that shows itself differently ...
That's okay, too. Because as long as I cling to the One who formed me and continues to mold me, he'll make me into the person he wants me to be. And that is far greater than anything I could fathom!
4 comments:
Amen. And Amen! There are days when I long for 27. :) I ran my fastest marathon then...I made homemade granola every Saturday. I had all of the time in the world and no responsibility at all. Then I got married. Then I had kids. And joy just looks different now. And that IS ok. :) Thank you for sharing!!
Louise, that's beautiful. Honestly my own fears and nostalgia and frustration can get the best of me so often as well; for me it's thinking longingly of university but conveniently forgetting that during those four years I suffered through some of the darkest places and most refining work God has allowed me to undergo to date, and it was bad and ugly and awful. It's only now that He's been faithful to start to show me the results of that, and while I would gladly go back in an instant to both take all delight in the good parts of it, and also to make some very different choices, I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't been there and done that first.
This was a strong and powerful post, and I hope I don't need to tell you which of your English teachers I am in full agreement with ;) Dunno what that other one was smoking!
Sarah, now I'm wondering if ten years from now I'll be looking back at 26 and missing it!
Andrea, thanks for the vote of confidence in my writing :) You made a good point too, about not being who I am today were it not for my prior experiences, the good and the bad. God never wants us to stay stagnant; he is continually growing us!
I often miss being sixteen. I miss my drive, my innocence, my quirky outlook on life, my freedom. Then I remember what it was like going to a very small high school in a very small town. I remember what it was like living alone all those years with a relatively unstable mother. I remember pining for one certain boy for so long who wasn't worth it at all.
Then I recall the different freedoms I have today. I remember my marriage, my home, and the life that we made. The girl I was made me the woman I am.
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