Silence the Tears

I had started a marvelously anguished post last night, all about feeling lonely and inadequate, and weep, weep weep.

I went to bed before I had a chance to finish it, and this morning I deleted it. Not because anything has changed--I still feel lonely and inadequate. It's all perfectly clear in my mind, too--I could probably write several posts on how I've always played second fiddle, first to my sister and then to my husband, and how tiring that gets; how I just feel like I'm floundering in the dark when it comes to this parenting thing, and can't get any help; how I feel so isolated from friends ...

But really, would sharing all that with the blogging world change anything? I might feel temporarily better for having spilled it all out, but it wouldn't solve anything. I wouldn't suddenly become a better mother for talking about how I worry I'm not doing enough with my children; I wouldn't have dozens of friends knocking down my door because I wrote about being lonely; etc, etc.

It would end up being nothing more than a self-indulgence for me (true, there are those who consider blogging at all a major self-indulgence, but that's not my point). And if I write well enough and powerfully enough, it just might end up depressing my readers. Not exactly what I want my blog to be known for: "Oh yeah, Child of Grace, that's that gloomy, angsty blog." I would prefer to have people say: "Child of Grace, that's the blog that always makes me praise God when I come away from it!"

So, I will merely say that, even when I don't feel like it, God is enough. I may be inadequate, but he is more than adequate. Even when I feel lonely and isolated, he is always there. I may always live in someone else's shadow, but ultimately I live in his shadow, and there is no better place to be.

Life may not always be good, my friends. We will always have valleys. There will always be frustrations. Human beings--especially ourselves--will always disappoint.

But ultimately, God is good.

No matter what.