One week (almost)

Tomorrow will mark one week since Little Bug's birth. I am still shocked over how different this week has been than Bug's first week. Of course, almost half of that week was spent in the hospital, which was a major change right there. I've already talked about the difference between having a colicky baby and one who actually enjoys life (I still feel sad for Bug when I think how miserable she was for the first four months of life--poor little thing; I wish we could have made it better!), but I'm mostly amazed at the difference in us. Carl and I are so much more relaxed and confident, and all of us are having a better time.

My mom and dad have been great this week--Mom has cleaned and organized my bathroom and laundry room, helped me pack away winter clothes and pull out my summer wardrobe (including a few outfits which I am hoping, rather than expecting, to wear), washed dishes every day, done laundry for me, and otherwise made herself an indispensable housekeeper. I might not let her leave. Dad has helped Carl out with innumerable projects around the house, my two favorites being replacing the old shower head that dripped and trickled water on one with one that actually sprays, and cleaning out the dryer vent and getting it facing out the window so I can use my dryer without it shaking the whole house down and filling the air with moisture.

Bug has loved having her grandparents here, and since I am forbidden from picking her up for a few weeks (technically six, but I have a sneaking suspicion my body will recover before then), I've appreciated having two sets of extra hands to help with basic things like getting her in and out of her crib, high chair, bathtub, etc, as well as just picking her up and hugging her when her molars get hurting too badly. She's also kept us highly entertained just by being her usual delightful toddler self, and every time I put her hair in pigtails I wonder who took my baby and gave me this little girl in her place.

She's adapting quite nicely to having a baby sister--the picture I posted last time is just one example of how affectionate she is. She always wants to pat the baby's head, and just recently she's started rubbing cheeks with her. Yesterday, during Little Bug's first bath, Bug was in tears of sympathy with Little Bug's shrieks and wouldn't be comforted until we wrapped Little Bug in a towel and showed Bug that her sister was really just fine. No jealousy at all yet--we'll see what happens in a few weeks when we've run out of grandparents to stay with us and Papa is back at work full time. But I think she'll be fine. When she's not teething, she really is just a sweet, joyful little thing.

Which brings me to my final point. I never intended for Little Bug to be our baby's final moniker--that was just a temporary stop-gap until she was born and I had an idea of her personality. I've considered Kitten, Squeak, Mouse, and Squirt, but I think I'm going to go with Grace, because that is what God has shown us over and over again in just this one short week of her life.

And Bug and Grace just sounds too weird, so I'm going to confuse everybody (hey, it's my blog, I can be confusing if I want to!) and start referring to Bug as Joy. Joy and Grace--our two gifts from God.

Kisses

Bug, clearly, is warming up nicely to little sister.

Not Better or Worse, Just DIFFERENT

After having one daughter with colic, who was miserable regardless of anything we did, who had a horrible time sleeping, who took a week to learn how to nurse, having a child who eats naturally, sleeps more than she is awake, and is very easily consoled when upset, is remarkable.

Not that we love Little Bug more because she is easy where Bug was hard, but it is a blessing, now that we have two, to have this one be easier.

And she is so sweet!

She's Here!

Little Bug was born Saturday, May 23, at 8:48 am. Labor was only 5 1/2 hours long (don't hate me, Sunrise!), and while I didn't get my waterbirth due to two women in line for the tub ahead of me, everything went smoothly. Little Bug was 7 lbs, 19" long, no jaundice (Praise God!), and we are home and resting. I will post more (with pictures) when I have time!

In Which, Apparently, I Am Grumpy

I'm hoping the overall "blah-ness" I'm feeling right now is due to the fact that my baby is due tomorrow. Last night I woke up at 2:30 to go to the bathroom and couldn't get back to sleep until about 5:00, literally just waiting for contractions to start. Needless to say, they did not. I'm not sure why I was so convinced I was going to go into labor last night, but I was. Note: Gut feelings are not always accurate!

So today I'm left a little sleepy, a little cranky, and still strongly suspecting something is going to happen between now and Sunday. It probably won't, but let's just say my body feels weird right now. No other way to describe it. However, that could simply mean that the fruit and yogurt parfait I had for supper last night didn't sit well.

I'm glad the baby is coming soon, because she will give me an excuse to do something I've been feeling the need to do for a while (I know my sentences are awkward right now; blame it on lack of sleep). I want to cut back (again!) on how much time I spend on the internet. Less time on facebook (like maybe only checking it every other day instead of two or three times a day) (or more, if I'm perfectly honest), less time blogging (again, maybe only updating every other day instead of every day). There was a little while that I was considering giving up the blog altogether, but I've grown too attached to my limited number of readers to abandon you all. I will say that it is slightly frustrating, no matter how many blogs I visit and comment on, I can't seem to attract any more readers to this one than the handful that's already here--and most of you know me either through fanfiction or real life. Maybe I just don't write interesting enough posts?

To end on a happier note that the general disgruntled tone I seem to have overall in this post, I have to share a bit of Bug cuteness. (Verbal, sorry--the camera is packed away in the hospital bag, so we haven't been taking pictures for a week or so.) At my baby shower, the laides gave her a stuffed bunny from Build A Bear, dressed in a fairy costume complete with wings and a wand. Bug can't quite get her mouth around "Bunny," so she refers to it as "Bo."

Bo the Fairy Bunny. I love it.

Voice of Writing

One of the hardest things for me in starting my most recent story (which I did, finally, start last night) has been deciding what tone it should have. Should it be light-hearted and frothy? Should it be more serious; a somber, dark fairy tale? Could I find a middle ground, or did I even want to?

I have always been rather good at picking up other authors' styles. (Well, some authors. CS Lewis's combination of brevity and description leaves me entranced and awed. Dorothy L Sayers sparkles through her stories with clever wit and satire, until you realize two or three chapters later that you're pondering philosophy at the same time you're wiping tears of laughter from your eyes. They are geniuses. I don't aspire to their level.)

For the most part, though, if you read any of my fanfiction, you'll see that I have a fairly easy time picking up on an author's style. This is a good thing in many ways. I have learned the art of description from LM Montgomery. I have learned the art of sly one-liners from Jane Austen. From Brian Jacques I have learned when and where to insert simple humor to lighten a tense situation. From Lloyd Alexander I've learned ... well, just about everything. All the authors I read so often have developed my own writing skill.

The fact remains, though, that I don't have a particular tone or voice that is just me. People can't pick up something of mine and say "I knew this was your writing the minute I looked at it." (You could from my atrocious handwriting, but if it's typed you're out of luck.) Every story has a different feel, a new flavor.

In some ways, this is a good thing. It means I am able to explore many different avenues of writing. In my children's book, I faced the challenge of simplifying everything without dumbing it down. For my romance novel, I had to learn how to portray true, raw emotion without turning the situation into a soap opera. Every novel provides a different challenge, every story a new stretch of my abilities. That is definitely a good thing.

The downside is, it would be all too easy for me to unconsciously imitate another author in my writing and never develop my own unique voice. Depending on what type of story I'm writing, I can almost always find an author who has written something in the same vein, and so I can just naturally follow his or her style. That's laziness. That's close to plagiarism--worse than stealing their words, you steal their very voice. My biggest struggle in writing my children's book was not the simplifying. It was making sure I wasn't copying Edward Eager and E Nesbit. Use them as inspiration, certainly. Copy their style outright? Never.

Back to my current project ... I've never written, or even really read, a story quite like the one I'm envisioning. It started out as a light-hearted jaunt, something along the lines of Patricia Wrede's Enchanted Forest series. Then a few other ideas crept in, and the next thing I knew it had taken a serious turn, dealing with ideas like grace and judgement and sacrifice.

So how to write it? I don't want it to be bleak. I also don't want to obscure the weightier themes with too much froth. I have to find some middle ground, a voice that is serious at times and humorous at times, finding balance between the two. I'm also adamant against writing in first person, which would possibly make things easier. (I'm starting to think that first person is the lazy man's approach to story-telling.) Third person limited, that's what I'm going for.

So, this is a good challenge for me, another step on the journey. To write a story without any of my standard authors to fall back on. As Peter says to Harriet in Gaudy Night, "Let's see what sort of a detective you make when left to yourself," we will see what sort of an author I am left on my own.

Still Waiting ...

I passed my last personal milestone last night of "things I want to happen before the baby is born." I got to watch the NCIS season finale. Yes, that's shallow (Carl, if you're reading this, I know you're rolling your eyes). Obviously if she had come last night I would have been thrilled. However, I am just as happy I don't have to try to watch it online with a squirming newborn in my arms, or wait until the end of summer to see it in a rerun. And? It was a good finale. (Although I'm still waiting on them to reveal the truth about Vance.)

I suppose it might be more appropriate for me to hold out Little Bug's quilt as a final milestone, but to be perfectly honest, the odds of me finishing that before she is born are so slim anyway, I prefer not to have unrealistic expectations. She won't really need a quilt until fall/winter, anyway. (And yes, that's also my excuse for not finishing my cousin's baby's quilt.)

Midwife today--I am fully expecting an appointment in which I am told there is no indication Little Bug wants to come out of her cozy little home any time soon. I can, however, always hope.

For other things, my floors are swept, my kitchen is well-stocked, and my laundry is (ahem) mostly under control, which means I wouldn't be embarrassed if my mother-in-law had to suddenly stay here. Of course, if Little Bug waits as long as I fully expect her to, I'll have to do it all over again.

In the meantime, I would very much like to get my rear in gear and start writing my darn story today! Every day I think, "I need to write," and every day slips by with other activities, and the writing never happens. I suppose that's what happens when one borrows a boatload of never-read-before books from the library. (Allison Croggon and Robin McKinley are my favorites of the new authors thus far.)

One reason I will be glad to finally have the baby, besides it meaning that I won't be pregnant anymore (obviously), is that I feel like my life is just on hold right now. Everything is waiting--"until the baby comes." People ask me what I'm up to, and my answer is always, "Just waiting on the baby." I would like to start living again, instead of simply holding.

I know--in God's time. Patience is a virtue!

My Bug

One of the things I am least looking forward to about labor this time around is leaving Bug behind when we go to the birthing center. I've barely reconciled myself to leaving her in nursery at church! (Even there, we keep her with us as long as she'll sit still, only resorting to nursery when she starts distracting other people.) Sure, I have days when I wish someone would come take her off my hands, but most of the time I like her right where I can see her and play with her. I hate the thought of spending the night away from her.

Our pastor and his wife will watch her for us initially, and then Carl's mom is coming to stay with her until we can come home. She'll be fine; she adores our pastor's family (especially the two boys--10 and 12 and they're her personal slaves) and her grandma, and Lord willing it'll only be one day that we're gone.

But my heart still aches at the thought of her missing us, and wondering where we are, and when she'll see us again. I told Carl that I want her brought to the birthing center as soon as possible after I have the baby, for my sake as much as hers.

Somehow, in the last eighteen months, she has become not just my responsibility, but my companion, my chum, my sweetheart, and my friend. Even on the days when she makes me want to whack my head against a brick wall, I still love her more than anything, and even when she brings me to tears of frustration I wouldn't trade her for all the peace in the world.

She woke up again last night screaming in pain. This time it was my turn to sit in the rocking chair with her and cuddle until the Tylenol kicked in and she could go back to sleep. As we sat there, her head resting against my chest, my hand rubbing her back, her entire being radiating trust and comfort in being in Mamma's arms, I thanked God over and over again for giving me this opportunity to love, raise, and cherish this little girl.


It's an amazing gift.

You know you're close when ...

You know you're close to your due date when people at church see you out the door with cheerful "Hope we don't see you next week!"s.

When you have to preface every phone call home with "I'm not in labor; I just called to chat."

When you have to update your facebook status a few times a day or people wonder if you're at the birthing center.

When every gas cramp and/or Braxton-Hicks contraction makes you stop and wonder hopefully if this is the real thing.

When people start eying you with terrified faces in public, wondering if you are going to have that baby right in front of them.

When other mothers start telling you their horrible labor stories. (Why, why, why do they do this? Why?)

When your chiropractor requires half the equipment in her office just to get you into the proper position for adjustment.

When your mother calls to tell you she has HER labor bag all packed and ready to go.

When you start gazing at the calendar with a mix of hope and loathing.

I am down to five days. If Little Bug follows Bug exactly, that's actually ten days until she'll come.

I am so ready!

Just as long as I don't have to rush into the birthing center at 8:00 Tuesday night. I want to see the NCIS season finale, doggone it!

Any other time, though ... yes, she can come. And the sooner the better!

Baby Update, but not mine

My cousin had her baby at 11:45 yesterday morning. Both Mom and baby are healthy and strong, and I'm so excited about my new "nephew!"

If I'm not here, don't panic

Just a note to say, if you don't hear from me this weekend, it's not necessarily because the baby is coming, it's most likely because my husband is home and I'm enjoying spending time with him.

My cousin, who is due two days before me, went into labor yesterday afternoon, and I'm crazy with impatience to hear that she had the baby.

And slightly jealous.

Enjoy your weekend, my friends!

"Bones" Finale

Warning! Spoilers Ahead for the Season Finale. Do Not Read if you don't want to know what happened.

I'm finding that I am in the minority on this, but I thoroughly enjoyed the "Bones" season finale last night. I loved seeing them all in-character, but out of their usual roles (and I am so torn between wanting Wendall, Nigel, or Fisher to stay on as Zach's permanent replacement), plus it was great having all the extras: Max, Caroline Julian (who is one of my favorite guest stars on any show, ever), Zach--with hands!

I get that a lot of people are upset and feeling cheated about the whole "bedroom scene," but I never liked the idea of them getting together just so Brennan could get pregnant anyway. Besides, even though it's a secular show, my Puritan self still prefers it when married people make love, as opposed to unmarried.

I didn't even mind the fact that it all was a dream--they made it pretty obvious from the first five minutes that it was all a dream, and given last week's episode, it seemed quite clear that it was Booth's dream while he was under surgery. If they had tried to make it seem real, only to reveal at the end "Surprise! It was all a dream!" I would have been annoyed, because I hate it when tv shows do that, but knowing from the start what it was just made me able to appreciate all the humor in seeing how it all played out.

As for the end--I was fully prepared to hear Brennan say, as she leaned over Booth's bed, "I love you," since the words that she typed just before he woke up seemed to indicate she finally realized she cared for him. I was NOT expecting to hear Booth ask "Who are you?" That, in my opinion, was awesome. Seriously. They twisted it in a way I hadn't predicted, and I think it's great when a show still manages to surprise you like that.

So I enjoyed last night's show, and I'm hoping next season lives up to it, and is better than this season overall (because for the most part I thought it was a weak season, up until the last few episodes).

What did you think?

Nothing Exciting ... Yet

No Little Bug yet ... of course, I'm still over a week away from my due date, so I'm not expecting her. Just hoping! I also know that if I don't post every day, people will think it's because I'm in the hospital, so I'm writing this today, even though my brain is as empty of good topics as ... as ... well, apparently I'm out of similes, too.

Bug's first molars are still coming in, so we have much crankiness around the house these days. It's actually probably a good thing Little Bug isn't here yet! I'm not sure I could handle a toddler screaming in pain and frustration, and a newborn screaming because that's what newborns do, all at the same time.

When she's not in pain, Bug is perfectly delightful, I must say. She laughs, and tries out new words every day (we're working on the alphabet right now--she can say it really well up to "f," when she starts to get lost), and she walks everywhere now, and has gotten almost as fast on her feet as she was on all fours. I expect to see running next week!

Right now all of her stuffed animals are lined up in front of my on the computer desk, because of her generous habit of handing them off to other people when she doesn't want to play with them anymore! She won't take them back, either, so they are guarding the monitor.

Carl went to Bible Study last night, and I was going to watch Jane Eyre and quilt, but went to bed at 8:00 instead.

And that, my friends, is my life right now. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to guiltily drink a cup of decaf coffee with my breakfast. I rarely indulge, and who knows! Maybe it'll make Little Bug excited enough that she'll decide to come out!

Giving Thanks ...

"There is so much in the world for us all if we only have the eyes to see it, and the heart to love it, and the hand to gather it to ourselves -- so much in men and women, so much in art and literature, so much everywhere in which to delight, and for which to be thankful." -Anne of the Island, by LM Montgomery.

• Glorious May sunshine filling our live with warmth and growth.
• Family jokes and laughter shared over the Internet, despite the miles separating us all.
• 9 teeth in Bug's mouth--almost halfway through!
  
• The scent of lilacs blowing in my open windows--one of the perks of living in the middle of a tree nursery.
• A chiropractor who is helping my body be much better prepared for giving birth this time around.
• Phone conversations with good friends.
• A good movie (the newest Jane Eyre) from the library to help me finish up the last half of Little Bug's quilt.
• An amazing church family.
• Seeing the end of the pregnancy loom near!
• Anticipation of meeting the newest member of our family ... the joy at moving from three to four.
• Spending time with Carl, just sitting close, talking, laughing, enjoying each other.
• Praying for friends and family, near and far, knowing the joy and comfort of drawing close to the Comforter.
• Having both time and inspiration to write ... remembering to keep that a priority.

Will you consider joining the gratitude community? All it takes is a pencil and paper, and a heart open to God's gracious bounty!

A Blessed Shower

Yesterday the ladies at church threw me a baby shower. I was so touched that they even thought of it, since we've been going there less than five months. I was even more touched when I saw everyone who came--some of the ladies I've only spoken to once or twice on Sundays, and most of their names are still jumbled in my head.

Since we're doing something of a "woodland fairy" theme for Little Bug, they made me wear fairy wings and a wreath for most of the shower (one of the ladies did take pictures, so you might see them on here sometime), and two of them even made Bug a fairy bunny at Build-a-Bear, so she wouldn't feel left out by all the presents for her little sister.

This is a small church--somewhere around 40-50 members. When they asked me what we needed for Little Bug, I rattled off a few high-priced items, thinking that would give them options if some of them wanted to go together on things.

Not only did each lady give me an individual gift (including an adorable strawberry bathing suit, and the cutest little wild-looking fairy to hang on the car seat), they all went in together to get me a) a Moby Wrap, b) a bouncy seat (we borrowed the one we used for Bug from Jillian, then gave it back to her when she moved to Chicago. Whoops), and c) $200. so we could buy anything else we need for Little Bug.

I am still blown away by their generosity. This, this is what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like. I think the church in Thessalonica, allowing for cultural differences naturally, must have looked something like ours.

God has been very good to place us here.

And in other news, I rather thought for a little while last night that an announcement might need to be made today, but the (strong, painful, steady) contractions finally eased after about forty minutes, and I was able to go back to sleep. Too bad, because I was all ready with quips about baby showers producing babies!

Weekend Snapshots

On Saturday, we celebrated Mother's Day by going to the Tulip Festival they have every year in the city. I was spoiled, as a kid, growing up so close to Ottawa, which always hosts the ultimate Tulip Festival, but I was amazed at how much beauty there was concentrated in one park here. It was an utterly delightful day (well, except for the driving around for twenty minutes or so in search of a parking place that wouldn't force me to walk a mile--have I mentioned that Saturday was 38 weeks for me?).

I love lilacs--the scent, the appearance, everything. These lilac trees were at the edge of the park, and provided a perfect opportunity to pull out the camera and start snapping.

These fringed, flame-colored tulips were beautiful--even Bug thought so!


I named this picture "Purity."

My friend Laura saw this shot on facebook and immediately commented "Drama Queens!"


We were all ready for a rest by the fountain--and a snack of animal crackers--after a while.

It was a simply lovely morning--I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend Mother's Day. (Technically the day before, but it's the thought that counts.) Add to that a trip to the library yesterday that resulted in innumerable books, and a baby shower this morning for which I must get off the computer and start preparing--

I'm feeling pretty good. Now if only Little Bug would decide to come early!

If Only Thinking Didn't Make My Head Hurt

I thought, this morning, about writing a post around the conversation Carl and I had last night on Determinism, Indeterminism, and Compatibility. It was a rather fascinating discussion, sparked by my pointing out a logical flaw in "Firebird"--if The Holy One cannot change people's hearts but has to wait for them to come to him of their own free will, how can he make prophecies around said people?

So I thought perhaps I'd talk about that, but then I thought that it involved too much work, and I'd actually have to study Determinism and the rest, and my brain started to hurt, so I shelved that topic.

Then I thought perhaps I'd write on the folly of girls falling in love with certain literary heroes, as said heroes are very rarely fully-drawn, and how I think girls fall in love with the idea of Romance, not with the character himself (I adore Gilbert Blythe as much as the next person, but really, is he ever a fully-drawn character in any of the books?).

Then I thought that would take too much work to try to make my point clearly without confusing half my readers, and my brain started to ache again, so that topic also got shelved.

And I realized that the problem with writing thought-provoking, meaningful blog posts, as opposed to the light-hearted daily updates I tend to give, is that one needs a brain to write the former. At T- 2 weeks and counting, my brain is pretty well mush. There is very little room left in it for anything unrelated to Bug or Little Bug. (Case in point: I dreamed no fewer than three separate times last night that I was IN labor-imagine my disappointment every time I woke up and wasn't even having contractions.)

So I'll write about Determinism another time--maybe in six months to a year.

For right now, anyone care to discuss last night's "Bones"? I think my brain can handle that.

In Brevis (or as close as I get)

Praise God, yesterday was a much better day than Tuesday! (Even without NCIS--who'd have guessed?) Bug actually slept during naptime. I prayed with her just before tucking her in, asking that God would help her fall asleep quickly and easily, and that he would help me not to be frustrated if she didn't. She babbled quietly to herself for about forty minutes, at which point I went upstairs, tucked her back in, and reminded her that she needed to sleep. Then I took my shower, and when I was done, everything was quiet. She actually napped!

Bedtime was a bit trickier, but I think that was partially due to the fact that Carl was gone to Bible Study so I put her down instead. She kept looking at me with wounded eyes, as though asking why Papa wasn't there to read to her and kiss her goodnight. Apparently Mamma is a poor substitute!

My appointment also went really well; I'm healthy, the baby is healthy, and she can come any time. I made the mistake of posting those very words on facebook--"the baby can come any time"--and then people seemed to think I was on the verge of going into labor. So I had to explain that "can come" is very different from "likely to come." The midwife also explained to me that just because Little Bug hasn't dropped doesn't mean I can't go into labor; apparently, often times with second children, they won't drop until you are in labor. Good to know! Here I'd been thinking the fact that she is riding so high precludes any chance of me going into labor. That could have been awkward--"My water broke, but the baby is still high so it's not labor--what do I do?"

I'm still having a difficult time making time to study the Word, but at least I'm getting better at turning my heart and thoughts toward God more regularly. It's a small step, but it's a start. Maybe someday my blog posts for a month won't read: "studied, feel great" ... "having a harder tme studying" ... haven't studied for a week" ... "study? what's that?" ... "trying to get back into studying."

I dreamed last night that I was back working at the hardware store (a common recurring dream for me, and no, I don't know what it means except maybe that I miss working with Dad), and had to organize a pen display. I think in this case my subconscious was trying to tell me I need to write more!

Another Day, Another Chance to Choose Joy

So, our Cinco de Mayo celebration yesterday consisted of Bug in her red dress with white flowers (over a white onesie, because the dress is short-sleeved and it was cool here), me in my bright blue pareo from St. Lucia (because I could pin it in place to fit, and it's also the brightest thing I own), Italian music (the closest thing to Spanish, which is the closest thing to Mexican, I could find), and rice and beans for supper, with honey limeade to drink.

At least the meal was fairly authentic!

The rest of my day didn't go quite according to plan, either ... we had a very joyful, fun morning, and I let Bug stay up and hour and half past her usual naptime in hopes of helping her sleep easier ...

She did not sleep. At all.

Which was exceedingly frustrating for me, and made her quite cranky for the rest of the afternoon. She did fall asleep almost immediately at bedtime, though!

Thankfully, today is a new day, with new choices to be made (joy or gloom? God-focus or me-focus?), and a chance to start fresh.

(Plus, last night's NCIS episode was really good, and Ziva's expression at the end was just perfect in its indecision and helplessness, and if I didn't know that they were making a spin-off around the OSP guys, I would have been really unhappy about how they left Agents Callen and Hanna; as it is, I just can't wait until September. And how perfect is it that the two shows I like to watch--Bones and NCIS--are ending next week, which means that I don't have to worry about missing their season finales due to Little Bug? Unless she comes quite early, which I doubt.)

Ahem. Leaving television aside ... yesterday I read Holy Experience's blog post on parenting, and it cleared up many things that have been troubling me. It's a two-part series, the second part posted today, and I highly recommend people to click on the link in my sidebar and read. I don't think you'll regret it!

Thanks to the timely reminder, I am once again striving forward, not to be perfect, but to love God more, and through that love, love my family more, and be able to be more of an example to my child (soon-to-be-children) of Christ.

I say it again: God has not called me to be a perfect mother. He has called me to live a life that is glorifying to him in all things.

I will repeat this to myself as many times as it is necessary to hammer that truth through my thick, stubborn skull.

Which will probably be until my daughters are grown and have children of their own!

(Midwife again today, by the way--I can't believe we're down to the weekly visits already!)

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Bug is eighteen months today.

And it's Cinco de Mayo!

Although, as a good Frenchwoman, I shouldn't celebrate Mexico's defeat of France.

But since it's an excuse to wear bright colors and eat Mexican food, I'll subdue the 1/16 of me that is French.

I'll put Bug in her pretty new bright red dress from Aunt Lis-Lis (don't ask me why the repetition; it's Bug's name for her), try to find something bright and cheerful from my maternity clothes that still fits (I seem to be bursting out of everything these days), serve rice and beans for supper, and ignore the grey skies outside in favor of warmth and light inside.

I'm also going to try to ignore Bug's tendency to NOT SLEEP during her naps. Yesterday we spent two hours fighting over naptime. She was obviously tired--but she wouldn't sleep. I was pretty well at my wits' end trying to get her to lay down and be quiet, but after talking with Carl we decided to treat this as a smaller thing, not a big thing (since she is teething, after all, and her sleep patterns are always off when she's teething), and go more with the flow.

Yesterday ended up being about frustration and discipline. Today is GOING to be about joy and grace!

Trapped in a Wheel

I told Carl yesterday that I feel like a guinea pig racing around and around on a wheel. I keep cycling through the same thing, over and over again.

I realize that I need to spend more time in God's Word, and in prayer and meditation toward him. I do that. I get behind on things like housework and meals, and don't have as much time to play with Bug. I start focusing more on those things. I run out of energy, both physically and spiritually. I collapse altogether and barely manage to get through my day. I then realize that I need to spend more time in God's Word, and in prayer and meditation toward him ...

Carl, very kindly, gently reminded me that I am pregnant (over eight months pregnant, at that), and that perhaps I should not expect much of anything from myself until I am no longer pregnant. After all, I am most affected not even physically by the pregnancy, but emotionally (and spiritually). As long as I keep striving for God, and doing the best I can by my family, that it enough for now.

I am very blessed in my husband.

And I am very relieved that I will soon no longer be pregnant, and can feel like "me" again!

Abebooks is highly addictive.

Even more so than Amazon.

Dangerous ...

To Praise Instead of Whine, Would Seem to be Divine

I was in the process of writing a post detailing all my frustrations today (and they are legion). I tell myself that it's always better to get things of my chest instead of brooding on them, but what I think is more in order is fixing my eyes above my frustrations, and writing something that edifies instead of drags down.

After all, "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." -Colossians 3:1-4.

I used to have these verses taped to the wall where I used to work. The entire chapter is good, but these verses especially remind me where I need to place my focus: God-ward, not me-ward.

So then, thank you, Father of Light, for:

• comfortable temperatures--not cold, but not so warm my feet swell.
• a good appointment with the midwife two days ago.
• Carl being done with his PE--still can't get over how much better things are now!
• seeing the end of this pregnancy approaching.
• finishing Little Bug's scrapbook up to this point in time.
• having the ambition to work more on Little Bug's quilt (maybe I will get it done before she arrives!).
• Bug eating better at supper, even if she is testing my patience in every other way.
• leaves opening and flowers blossoming--spring is the happiest time of year.
• reminders all around in nature that you make all things new.
• being able to print my MS at Carl's work, since we don't have a printer anymore (yes, it got rejected from the last publisher, so we're moving on to the next).
• Mom's safe return from the Bunyan Conference (John Bunyan--a theology conference, not a lumberjack conference named for Paul Bunyan).
• clearing up my yeast infection; relief from itching, allowing me to sleep better at night.
• did I mention how glad I am to be almost done with this pregnancy?
• knowing that, difficult though it may be, many of Bug's selfish tendencies will HAVE to be cleared up when the new baby comes.
• a wonderful new, loving church family.
• grace to endure all times of trials, no matter how large or how petty. Nothing that troubles us seems trivial to you, and you lead us through every difficulty.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Alleluia, Alleluia
Praise, Praise the Father, Praise the Son
And Praise the Spirit Three in One
O Praise Him
O Praise Him
Alleluia, Alleluia
Alleluia.