Monday Meanderings

I'm trying to make it without coffee this morning. If I end up with a raging headache by 3:00, I'm blaming Carl. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't think twice about having a cup every morning. (Love you, babe.)

I have very little worth writing about. Grace is still gassy ... I found that if I feed her on only one side per feeding, she has less problems with gas. However, after two days of that, she started screaming from hunger All Day Long. So we're back to both sides and gas cramps. You just can't win.

Joy is still working on that fourth molar. (At this point, I am tempted to write a string of asterisks before the word "molar.") We are praying quite frequently for wisdom in knowing how much of her attitude problem right now is pain-related, and how much is her depravity showing ... and therefore, when we should discipline and when we should cuddle. I tend to lean more toward showing grace right now. We have an entire lifetime to discipline her, and I would rather have to spend more time later working on her attitude than accidentally break her spirit by over-discipline now.

I might have a different opinion by the end of the day, though. Unfortunately, my patience seems to diminish fairly quickly (another unfortunate side effect of not getting enough sleep). I'm working on that.

In a happier vein, we did have some pleasant moments this weekend. I bought a new shirt at Eddie Bauer (a crossover wrap top, perfect to wear with a nursing tank, and yet not a specific nursing top!), Carl got up early Sunday morning with Grace and proceeded to wash dishes for me (wonderful husband, even if he does have odd ideas regarding caffeine addictions), I talked to my sister a few times, we picked up a wedding gift for our friends who are getting married at the end of July ...

And my best friend got married out in California on Saturday. (On a side note, it seems so kindergarten-ish to talk about a "best friend," especially when I have a number of very dear friends, but even though Ethan and I aren't as close as we used to be, I still can think of no other phrase to describe him. We became "best friends" when we were eleven, and that bond has only strengthened throughout the years.)

Anyway. Even though we couldn't fly all of us out to California to attend the wedding, the church where they got married showed the ceremony live online, so I got to see it, at least. Ethan floated about two feet off the floor the whole time, and I couldn't stop beaming in delight for him and his new bride. He is best man at that wedding we're attending the end of July, so we'll get a chance to see him and (hopefully) meet her then. I can't wait!

In the meantime, two major celebrations coming this week--Canada Day on Wednesday, and the 4th of July on Saturday. Other than playing my favorite Barenaked Ladies CD on Wednesday, I'm not sure what we're planning to do either day. How about you?

One Month!

Yesterday was Grace's one-month birthday. She is now officially an infant instead of a newborn. She weighs 9 1/2 pounds (have I mentioned how well she eats?), is 21 inches long, still has problems with gas (although less now than a few weeks ago), and when neither tired, hungry, nor crampy, is amazingly good-natured.

Grace at birth


Grace at one month
(No, it's not a real smile. It's a gas bubble. But it still makes for a cute picture.)

Choosing Thankfulness

When another week starts and I'm faced with the challenges of parenting alone through the day ...

When Joy is irritable and disobedient because of mouth pain ...

When Grace is fussy and not sleeping well because the gas has come back ...

When outside family matters intrude and disrupt and fray ...

When my own body fights against me ...

When loneliness threatens ...

The temptation is to say "Oh pity, pity me!"

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"... giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ ..." -Ephesians 5:20

Thank you, Lord, for two healthy children.

Thank you for an older daughter who is usually so happy that her bouts of teething pain-related crankiness are always a shock.

Thank you that Grace does not have colic, but merely gas cramps.

Thank you for a husband who comes home in the afternoons and is willing to help, who doesn't expect me to do everything by myself.

Thank you for the reminders that I can't do everything myself, that I can't be Superwoman. Thank you for humbling my pride daily.

Thank you for the physical reminders to lean constantly on you, that I can do nothing in my own strength.

Thank you for being the Great Comforter.

Thank you for loving me even when I'm as whiny as Joy and as fussy as Grace.

Thank you for providing wisdom to make difficult decisions.

Thank you even for gray skies and rainy days--they make the sun seem all the more beautiful when it shines.

Thank you for worship music that turns my heart to you, for books that help me dwell on you, and for skating tapes that open my heart in worship through their beauty.

Thank you, above all, for sending your beloved Son to take my place, to bear your wrath for my sins, to secure my eternal pardon, and for loving me enough to take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh that yearns for you. Thank you for your love.

Thank you that, no matter what happens in this life, nothing can ever remove your love from me.

Thank you for not being a distant God, but the God Who Is There.

Lord, help me today and every day to turn my eyes toward you in gratitude, rather than dwelling on me.

He is Always There

The sun is always shining.

Have you ever thought about that? I hadn't, until I heard a line on a worship CD that said: "Though the clouds may hide the sun it's always shining." (I know, my thoughts are SO original today.)

It's true, though. Just because we can't see the sun doesn't mean it's not there--either something has blocked our ability to see it, or the earth has moved away from it. Even in the middle of the night, when the sky is at its darkest, the sun is still there; our faces have just been turned from it.

I need that reminder, often. If I can't see God, it's because either something has obscured my view of him, or I have turned my face away. He has not changed. He cannot change. He is always there.

I just need to seek his face.

"You have said, 'Seek my face.'
My heart says to you,
Your face, Lord, do I seek.'" Psalm 27:8

Brain. Is. Numb. Need. Chocolate.

I tried innumerable times yesterday to write a post, and never had more than two minutes to spare. Today I have time, and my brain is so numbed I can't really think of anything to write.

Oh, I could talk about how utterly discouraged I am with being a mother, how exhausted I am, how I'd forgotten how lonely and--despite the craziness--oddly boring it is having a newborn ... but I prefer to not wallow in self-indulgent misery.

I have been reading Jerry Bridges' Respectable Sins. One of his chapters is on Anxiety and Frustration. I have already been convicted by much of what he says, and while at this point I can't quite banish the frustration entirely from my heart, I hope to at least prevent myself from indulging in an orgy of it.

Unfortunately, that doesn't leave me much else to write.

(I just sat and stared at the screen for about five minutes after writing that last sentence, trying to think of something clever and witty to end this.)

Um. It's raining today.

The End.

Children, and Skating.

I've resorted to using the TV as a baby-sitter. Bad mother!

Although, does it count if it's old skating tapes that I'm putting onto DVDs (yes, the same old project--we have a LOT of skating tapes), and Joy only watches occasionally as she pauses in her running around, eating Cheerios, kissing the baby's head, and sorting her buttons?

Grace is currently sleeping in her bouncy seat, the first time she's ever done that. Joy is in a happy mood, and I'm so relieved that my first day on my own is starting so well. We even managed to call Dad this morning while I was feeding Grace and sing "Happy Birthday" to him! (I sang "Happy Birthday; Joy sang the phonics song.)

I had my doubts when Grace woke up crying literally as soon as I stepped into the shower this morning. As the water started pouring around my ears I heard something; first I hoped it was the music I put on for Joy, but Raffi never sounded like that! So I took a shower in about two minutes, paused only long enough afterward to put on some deodorant and finger-comb my hair before throwing on my clothes and rescuing my baby who was sopping wet and hungry!

Things improved considerably from there, though. Grace ate very well, sat happily in my lap afterward and let Joy kiss her and play with her fingers, and then submitted to the bouncy seat quite contentedly. Joy and I have had a few differences of opinion, but she's being good for the most part, and quite happy (when I'm not telling her "no," of course).

(Side note: I love watching Todd Eldredge skate. And I really love watching Joy pretend to skate along with him.)

(Another side note: I really love watching Steven Cousins. Whether he's skating or not. There ought to be a law against someone being that charming.) (and yes, my husband reads this blog)

I think I'm getting more distracted by the skating than Joy!

I've almost finished reading Knowing God, which means I can soon start on Respectable Sins, by Jerry Bridges. I usually manage to sneak in a few minutes of reading while nursing Grace, so I've been able to move along at a decent pace with my reading. Writing, not so much, but at least I can blog on a fairly regular basis! Even if, as today, I have nothing in particular to say.

The Sleep Game

So, I've figured out Grace's sleeping problems.

If she falls asleep anytime between 6:00 and 8:00 pm, she will inevitably want to be awake at some point later in the night, usually around 3:00. She will want to be awake for well over an hour at this point, and she will not understand why her cruel parents are desperately trying to get her back to sleep. She may even start fussing if said parents attempt to lay down with her, and she certainly will not appreciate being laid down by herself, even if her eyes are closed and she looks asleep.

Now, the only trick is convincing her to nap earlier in the afternoon so that she stays awake during that crucial two-hour period. Any suggestions?

Trusting in His Strength Alone

My optimism regarding Grace proved to be unfounded. The last two nights she has been awake more than asleep. And, of course, now that Carl is back at work, that meant I was the one up with her.

On the bright side (for me), her gas cramps seem to be completely unrelated to my diet, so at least I don't have to endure a miserable baby AND no chocolate to help get me through! It also doesn't seem to be escalating into colic (just a few more days before we're out of the woods on that one), so hopefully after a month or so her digestion will develop and she will settle down.

That's the hope, anyway.

I am relying wholly on God's grace to get me through right now. Joy is still clingy and whiny and given to tantrums, and we're still having to balance between cutting her enough slack given her teeth situation and the life changes, and still disciplining her when it is needed. So between her, and a baby who is in pain after every meal, and who can only be comforted by pacing with her in one's arms, I am feeling quite worn out.

But God is still good. I spent a bit of time this morning praying for patience and strength, and that God would use this time to refine me (in other words, that I wouldn't indulge too much in self-pitying whining), and then I took the time this morning to pray three separate times with Joy, both for her and for Grace. If nothing else, such times as these always remind me that I can do nothing apart from God's strength.

And I know that this time will not last. Eventually, even if it takes a full three to four months, like it did with Joy, Grace will be able to sleep through the night and digest her food properly. Eventually Joy will have all her teeth in and adapt to life with a new baby. Eventually my body will regain strength. Eventually I will have time to study and write again.

The trick is, as Dad told me with Joy, not to try to force yourself to enjoy every miserable moment because you know it will all pass, but to capture the joyous moments and let the miserable ones go. Easier said than done, but it's a good habit to try to establish.

So I appreciate prayers, but I'm not looking for pity--just encouragement and reminders to lean on God through this!

Update, with blessings

Last night Grace went 5 1/2 hours between feedings, then fell back asleep immediately after her 3:30 feeding and slept until 6:15 this morning. I am unutterably thankful.

Of course, she also fussed steadily for two hours before her 10:00 feeding.

Overall, though, I think the gas pains are lessening. They're still there, certainly, and she still has a hard time sleeping during the day, but hopefully we can avoid any more night like Saturday night, where the exhausted Mamma finally fell asleep on the floor next to the bassinet, because Grace wouldn't sleep on me, but kept waking up every five minutes in her bed to scream in pain, and needed to be patted back to sleep. It was not a fun night.

Joy's third molar is so very close to breaking through, which will only leave one--one!--and then hopefully her mouth will gain some relief. I'm hoping her fits in general will settle down now that life is starting to get calm again. The grandparents have all left, and while her great-grandmother will be here for a few days starting tomorrow, GG is a very calm, laid-back person who shouldn't cause too much of a ripple in Joy's world. And GG loves to go for walks, so Joy should be able to get outside plenty, which always makes her happy.

Carl went back to work today--just a half day today, since we have friends we haven't seen in almost a year stopping by this afternoon (she's pregnant with their first child, so I'm unloading all the maternity clothes I can onto her! YES!) and he wants to see them. Part of me is nervous about him not being here, but part of me is relieved that we can start settling into a regular routine.

Meanwhile, I am reading this book, which is excellent, and still trying my best to get through the Psalms (it might be two months instead of one, but I'm doing my best), and nobly trying to resist the temptation to start a brand-new story.

And now Grace is fussing, so I will end the update and go comfort her!

Discouragement

I'm feeling discouraged. Grace has started to have problems with gas this week, which is causing her to have a hard time sleeping, and now she's getting reluctant to eat ...

I was so happy to have a non-colicky baby, and now I'm afraid that I'm in for another three months of torture, just like with Joy. And that makes me think that it's something I'm doing wrong, that makes my babies miserable. I burp, I make sure to feed ten minutes on one side, I always check to make sure she's properly latched, I pump her legs and circle her hips, I even do baby yoga ... and yet nothing seems to cure it. Worse, I don't seem to be able to prevent it.

It's very frustrating. And discouraging, as aforementioned. Am I really that lousy of a mother?

It doesn't help that Joy is still throwing a temper tantrum every five minutes, which makes me feel like a bad mother on two fronts.

I'll be glad when we're through this stage.

ETA: On the bright side, my new Nikon D40 arrived in the mail today, along with five new books, so my attitude has improved tremendously.

Beautiful

Rambling, But With a Point Eventually

Last night I had my first post-baby meltdown. Not bad, considering it took ten days. (My first meltdown with Joy, I think, happened at one day. Dang hospital.) It wasn't even really related to Grace--aside from the fact that it happened during one of the middle-of-the-night feedings and was likely caused mostly by exhaustion. No, it was frustration over Joy's behavioral problems (why, whenever she has a tooth coming in, does she forget rules we have enforced from birth? Can anyone explain this to me?), over miscommunications with Carl, and over the fact that I didn't seem to be able to do anything right yesterday.

Normally I don't tell people about my meltdowns; although they are perfectly normal and even expected in those first six weeks when exhaustion colors everything, people today are so quick to jump to the assumption that one is suffering postpartum depression if one is not all sunshine and roses all the time over the baby. I get tired of those looks of deep concern, the cautiously worded questions, the assurance that depression is perfectly normal.

People, I was depressed for the first year of my marriage (dang birth control pills). My mother was depressed for several years of my childhood. I know what depression looks like. Occasional late-night meltdowns are not it.

And no, even when Grace would not settle down to sleep last night, I did not resent her, and I never contemplated suicide. Although I would have been perfectly happy if someone had shot me with a tranquilizer gun that would knock me out until Grace is sleeping through the night and Joy's molars are in.

I think I got distracted from my original point by my rant against PPD. Where was I going with this?

Ah yes. God.

Even in the midst of my frustration last night, I was able to find a measure of peace. Even when I really, really wanted to be bitter against my husband over all the issues-from-non-issues we'd had, I couldn't. I had decided last week that I was going to take advantage of being chained to a chair or sofa several hours out of the day and night for nursing by reading through the Psalms in one month. Even after only a couple days of reading, my outlook has improved enormously. Last night, when I was fighting back tears, a seething mass of irritation (but trying not to let it show in my body, because I didn't want to interfere with the nursing, naturally), I kept looking at my open Bible on the shelf next to me. I knew I should go ahead and read the next Psalm--but I knew it wouldn't be a bit of good as long as I was harboring bitterness. So I prayed that God would change my attitude, freely admitting that I didn't want to have a better attitude, that I wanted to wallow in misery for a while, but I knew that I needed to die to myself and be more like Christ.

And God worked and softened my heart, and when Grace finally decided to settle down and sleep, I was able to crawl into bed and sleep too, with a heart free from anger and sin, and I woke refreshed.

And as an added bonus, both girls slept until 8:30 this morning, which gave me an extra hour of sleep, too!

A Walk in the Park

Saturday marked Grace's [Little Bug's] one week birthday, and we celebrated by going to a nearby State Park for a short walk. Carl would have enjoyed more of a hike, but since Joy [Bug] insists on walking everywhere herself now, and I'm still supposed to be taking it easy so as to recover, it was a leisurely short walk. Joy kept her grandparents entertained, Carl carried Grace in the Baby Bjorn, and I meandered along with the camera.

Now that she's started walking, she really hates being carried or riding in the stroller. Thankfully, Oma and Grandpa (who seems to be undergoing a name change himself--the closest Joy can get to "Grandpa" is "Bop-Bop") have infinite patience--naturally!

Carl just can't get over how tiny Grace is. We've gotten accustomed to Joy, who may be small for a nineteen-month-old, but is still considerably larger than a newborn. Grace just snuggled happily into the Baby Bjorn, and Carl could have easily forgotten she was even there.

It was a perfect day, weather-wise. Blue skies, puffy clouds, warm sun ... the only thing that would have made it better would have been if Mom and Dad's car hadn't gotten a flat tire which threw everything off and made for a very long ride home for them Sunday on the spare.

After walking along the trail to the next parking spot, I decided walking back to the car might entail "overdoing it," so Mom, Joy and I waited while Dad and Carl went back for the cars. Mom's never considered herself much of a photographer, but she managed to get some fun shots of Joy and me playing in the grass.

Joy's struggling a little bit these days--please pray, if you would. She still absolutely adores her baby sister, but she's starting to show the strain of so many changes. New sister, Mamma can't pick her up, grandparents here, grandparents gone, other grandmother here, schedule completely thrown off ... it's be a wonder if she weren't exhibiting signs of strain. Not to mention those darn molars! We're trying to make sure we spend plenty of time with her and assure her as often as she needs to hear it that we love her, and I'm making sure to hold her in my lap (since I can't pick her up) as often as I can. So we're working through things, but she could still use prayer. And we could, too!

Grace is still a remarkably good baby. She gets about one fussy period per night, and other than that sleeps, eats, and otherwise exists quite peacefully. I'll be happy when she stretches her nighttime sleep periods to four hours instead of three ... but I'm not complaining.

God is good!