Just Doing Our Best

Gracie (whose latest nickname around here is Bundle, given that she can be a bundle of sweetness, misery, or mischief at any given moment, depending on her whim, and which I find amusingly appropriate, reminding me as it does of Lady Eileen “Bundle” Brent, from two of Agatha Christie’s Superintendent Battle books) is snuggling in my lap right now, thumb in her mouth, brown curls brushing my chin. Every once in a while she pops up enough to toss a Cheerio in her mouth or sing along with the music on my laptop.

She’s not sick, even if she did sleep two hours later than usual this morning (7:30 instead of 5:30 - oh how I rejoiced!). She’s just always extra snuggly when she’s teething. Except for the fact that this means I can’t get any work done while she’s awake, I love it. Joy is only snuggly when she’s very tired or a little sick, and she always was that way, right from a baby. I’m thankful one of my children is a cuddler.

Speaking of Joy, she’s - ahem - testing right now. I tell her she needs to not play with her fingers until she’s done eating (she gets so caught up in making her fingers “skate” along the table or her legs that she forgets to eat), so she mostly stops, and just waves them gently - not quite disobeying, but seeing how far she can push before I say something. Now she’s trying to skate with them under the table or behind her back - apparently hoping I won’t notice.

I wouldn’t mind it so much except for two things: One, when she does this, like I mentioned, she forgets to eat and it takes her two hours to eat a piece of toast and half a banana. Two, now that we’ve started telling her to wait to play with her fingers until her food is all gone (unless it’s snack time, because that’s just fun time anyway), she does it deliberately, trying to see what she can get away with.

I took some sharp criticism from someone this week for the fact that I am constantly getting after the girls for the need to obey, to have a good attitude. She felt I was far too harsh with them. I wish she had spoken to me openly about it, instead of sending an email after leaving early because she was so upset. I would have tried to explain that if I let something go even once, it becomes a major issue and requires an enormous amount of work to deal with later on (from experience). I wish she could have seen how happy Joy is right now, having finished eating promptly, due to my constant reminders to focus on her food instead of her fingers, and being able to get down and play instead of sitting in her chair for another hour. I wish she had paid equal amounts of attention to the praise and positive reinforcement both Carl and I try to give the girls, more than the negative most of the time.

(In fact, she specifically mentioned that she didn’t like that I was always telling them they had a bad attitude. Maybe I was just off that day, but I hardly ever tell the girls they are having bad attitudes. Most of the time I tell them that they need to have a good attitude, which of course implies that they are not, but is still giving them a positive to focus on instead of a negative. I think maybe she put a more negative interpretation on it, although, like I said, I might have been having an off day and used “bad attitude” more than usual then.)

I’m not anything close to a perfect mom. Anyone who reads this blog knows that I, like most mothers I know, constantly struggle with feeling like I’ve failed, with wondering if I’m not doing enough.

Right now, though, Gracie is off my lap and the girls have just barely stopped dancing together to the music, and are playing with toys. Without me even there in the room with them, I can hear Joy saying, “Would you like this one, Gracie? May I have the strawberry? Thank you!”

That sort of interaction doesn’t come naturally. Sharing, asking, being kind - those come through training. And maybe my training isn’t the best it could be, and certainly the girls aren’t always so sweet with each other, but by God’s grace they are learning.

I’m not writing this as a defense of my parenting abilities. Well, maybe I am a little, but that’s not the main reason. The best comfort I got after reading that email was the numerous “mom blogs” I read that all mentioned something about just doing the best we can, about loving on our kids, about making mistakes and moving past them … etc.

So really, I am mainly writing this in hopes that perhaps some other wounded spirit might read this and take some comfort from it.

You are not perfect. I am not perfect. But we love our kids, and love, my friends, covers a multitude of sins, and an even greater number of mistakes.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go gently remind my three-year-old that poop goes in the potty, not her underwear. Again.

And then give her a kiss.


ETA: Here's a list of links to the most helpful posts I found these last few days ... hope they will give you a boost, too.


For No Reason Because sometimes, you are a rockstar, you really are.


Would You Believe ... Proof that training them when they are young really does have good results.


And They Walk With Me ... I read this before the Debacle Visit, but I reminded myself of it afterward. This is why I train, so we can have this sort of relationship in ten years.


Whatever you Do, Don't Lose Hope I'm not the only one who feels I'm spinning out of control sometimes!


Three Down Because no matter what else we mess up at, we will always do anything to keep our children safe and loved.


(There were more, I know ... but of course I can't find them now. Life!)